The Call and the Road Ahead

Dear Larry,

Not sure if you know this, but we were waiting for a call from the Radiology Oncology office today. When we went, they had told us that we were going to be put on a list and discussed about at this big Wednesday Doctor meeting. Its where all these big-wig Doctors get together and talk about special and difficult cases. Basically, they talked about us behind out backs.

Anyway, they called. We're going to be going through surgery. The Neurosurgeons office will be calling us sometime this week, before or on Friday. Until then, it is sort of a waiting and preparing game. Which is slowly driving me insane, but I get why this type of thing can't be rushed. After all, I kinda need my brain and spine and all the things up there, 'cept you of course.

So, what am I going to do in the meantime? Try and get healthy.

Because I'm sort of like this:

... Buuuut, I'm also kinda like this:

Regardless, it needs to be done. One of the Doctors Monday had stated that if I just walked 30 mins a day, to get my heart and lungs ready for surgery, that would be enough. But, honestly, this whole thing has scared me pretty bad. I was thinking about what if I wasn't young and someone in good health? What if I was bigger, or so unhealthy to the point of surgery not being an option? That scares the crap out of me. I gotta be around for a while, damnit!

So, an amazing bunch of people at work and my girlfriend and mom are all on board with helping me get ready and get healthier.  We do water races at work to see who drinks more water. Some coworkers are willing to go walking around the building. Kate and her Boyfriend, Matt,  is willing to join a gym with Jo and I.  I'm trying to stay away from the junk food and soda. Which, is kinda hard to do.  But, I want to get healthy.

Skinny doesn't necessarily mean healthy.

I'm trying to be healthy and happy. I'm not looking to go skin and bone.  I want to be comfortable with my body and I want to make it easier for the Doctors. I know I'm not going to be able to lose a ton of weight before the surgery, but I do want to be healthier.

Larry, that's all I got tonight. I'm still kind of feeling off. I guess its half because the stress is gone, but a new set of stress is setting in. Preparing for surgery, knowing it is coming down the line... Ugh.  And sometimes I feel super guilty being so nervous and sad. There are people out there that have it worse than I do, and I worry about those people. But, I guess you can't help worrying a little about yourself, ya know? ...

Well, you wouldn't know, Larry. You're just a dumb tumor.

Bed time!

Sincerly,
Tara

P.S
You stink, Lary.

P.S.S
No one likes you, Larry.

Chordorma- Cancer, Disease or something in-between?

Dear Larry,

Let me first start off  by saying, I don't know 100% that you're a chordorma. I wont know until I've had surgery for a biopsy. Until then, you're a tumor in my head that appears to be, and most likely is a chordorma. Now, with that out of the way, lets talk about what you are... if you are in fact a chordorma.

First thing that came into my head when Dr. Kelmer called me and said those famous words " There's a tumor", my mind jumped on the 'Oh my god, I have cancer' train fairly quickly. Of course it did. When someone says tumor, that's anyone's first assumption. But you, Larry, as a chordorma... are a little.. well, let's say special. Dr. Metha and Dr. Jason probably explained it the best to me.

Chordoma isn't really cancer, in the typical sense of the word. It doesn't typically metastasize and spread to different parts of the body like, lets say, breast cancer. It doesn't typically attack the lymphatic system, doesn't go into your bones, it doesn't do any of that. Typically. I do say typically because there is always that 1% to 5% chance that it does, in fact, turn into something more. But, typically, it doesn't.

But what it does do, like cancer, is grow. It grows slowly, or at times, can grow at a quicker rate than normal. It fills the spaces from where it is growing and then starts pushing on things that it shouldn't be pushing on, and causing a whole whirl of damage if not treated not to mention could also be fatal.

Being a tumor that grows, but doesn't spread and also super resistant to radiation treatment, I think the medical world has a hard time truly classifying this type of tumor with any one name. I feel like this is why when you research chordorma you'll see websites classify it as cancer while others call it a disease. Which, I think, can be super scary and off-putting. .. Not saying this isn't scary and off-putting already, but.. there ya go.

I wanted to explain this, as this is what the Doctors told me, Larry. Because when people are researching on chordorma, there is a LOT of scary information out there. Tons. Big scary words like cancer, disease, life expectancy, surgery, reoccurring, so on. I think it is nice when you can just sit and be able to at least rationalize what is going on by telling yourself what you have.

It is also good to note that it only grows in three areas:
1.) The Clivus, which is a bone in your head near the brainstem.
2.) The tail bone ( a literal pain in the ass)
3.) The spine

Chordorma, as far as I've read and have been told, is cells left over from when the spine forms in a mothers womb. So, I've literally have had you, Larry, my entire life.

It is also good to note that this isn't something that has been passed down from family member to family member, skipping generations, or runs in the gene pool. This is just something that happens. It sucks, but.. there it is. At least now we have the medical professionals, some that only specialize in chordormas to lead those suffering with Larry's in the right direction.

But, there is another thing that I really don't like about you, Larry. You can grow back. I think that is the possibly the scariest thing. If you are, indeed, a chordorma, which I feel in my heart of hearts are, then you can grow back. I might have to deal with you for the rest of my life. Though I know it could be worse, I could have an aggressive type of cancer and be dead in two weeks, it is just a hard pill to swallow that this will be my struggle for the rest of my life.

But, that's only if I look at it that way. Honestly, I look at it this way:

To those who read my blog,
Thank you for reading it. Thank you for educating yourself through my babbles and rambles, and jokes.  Remember that no ache and pain is small enough to ignore. If it keeps happening, if the pain gets worse, or you don't feel right, please get checked out.

To those who read my blog and have a Chordorma, or know someone who does:
Please be positive. You have an entire group of people in this world who are going through the same thing you are, some may have it worse some may have it better, but the fear is still there. Please make sure you are educating yourself with the right information, and don't look at things that will dampen your spirits. You are strong, it is your body, and you have a say in the treatment you receive. NEVER be scared to ask for a second opinion. This is your body, damnit.

To everyone,
Please take care of yourself. "Skinny" doesn't mean "Healthy", that is not what I'm talking about. I mean take care of yourself. Go to the doctor, get yourself checked, check yourself, and if something doesn't feel right, get it checked.

Side note, I am not a medical professional. All this is what I have come across and the research I've done, so I may not be 100% correct. Always consult your doctor about everything. :)

And that's it!

Sincerely,
-Tara

P.S
You stink, Larry

P.S.S
No one likes you, Larry

Radiologist Oncology Consultation Day

Dear Larry,

It is Day 7, and we had a big day today. Today was meet with the Radiologist Oncologist day! I was scared for most of the day. Fretting over nothing and over-preparing, which I knew I was doing but I couldn't stop myself. A had a few moments of laughter and smiles before I got to work, as when I walked into work there was a vase full of beautiful flowers and a bag from a comic book store sitting on my desk. One of my Co-Workers, Eugene, bought me flowers and Andy bought me a new mug (lemon grenade from Portal!) and an Alien figure ( Xenomorph kind, not the little green men). Eugune caught me before I went looking for him, by sneaking up behing me and scaring the crap outta me. But it was followed by the biggest hug. Couldn't even be mad at him. I went looking for Andy after, to thank him and  give him a hug, which I did. I chatted with him a bit, his and his wife just had the prettist baby girl. I was chomping at the bits to see more baby pictures, which he was more than willing to share. I have to say, he and his wife made a pretty little girl.


When I got back to my desk, I printed out a bunch of questions from the support group I'm involved with, filled out all the paperwork that was e-mailed to me... twice. I got a folder and put all the paperwork in the folder. Made sure I had a good pen to write with, and I even downloaded a voice recorder to tape everything the doctor was going to say. Then I just sat and stressed, trying to work.

My appointment was at 1:30. and around 11:45 I was really starting to freak out on the inside.Just on the inside, however! My mom called me around this time and informed me my kid was sick, so she wouldn't be able to go to with me, because she had to tend to the baby. This caused me to freak out a little bit more. I didn't blame my mom or anything, it was just the fact that she wasn't going to be there. I'm a mama's girl, always have been always will be. But, this was something that couldn't be avoided. I mean, you really can't tell a 5 year old to get over it and get better! That's not how it works.

I put on my big girl pants on, told my mom it was alright and that I love her, and moved on. At the very least I knew Jo-- my girlfriend-- was going to be there. Jo has been there throughout all of this, always holding my hand and keeping me level headed. So I was thankful that this appointment landed after the time she got off school. I don't know what I would of done if I have to do this by myself. Before I left work I stopped by the desk of one of my BFF's, Kate. We talked a moment, well.. most I said I was scared and freaked out a little bit. She gave me a hug and told me I'd be alright. She also crocheted me the coolest little multi-colored pumpkin hat and purple arm tubes. I promptly put the hat on my head and forced myself to get going. It was already 12:00, and if i didn't leave now, I'd be late.

Rocking the pumpkin hat and what I call my 'hug shirt' from Jim. :) 

I turned on some music, well, I had one song on repeat on the way to go get Jo. Cher, you haven't seen the last of me. It has sort of become a theme song. I sang at the top of my lungs driving down the highway. Once I picked up Jo, it was time to get serious again. We held hands the whole way to the Hospital, which was about a 15 to 20 min drive from her college. We talked about everything from food, to her school, to the appointment we were going to.

Before I knew it, we were there. We valeted the car and rushed inside, it was 1:20 and I didn't want to be late. I got my arm band, then started the trek down to the other end of the Hospital as Jo went and got us a subway sandwich to split.. our first real meal of the day. The walk to the back of the hospital seemed to never end. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest from nerves alone. I don't know what I was expecting, letting my nerves get like that. 

Down to the lower level and there I was. Standing in front of this large desk in the back center of the room. Two men sitting behind the desk, talking to a woman. I interrupted, politely of course, and the other gentleman pointed me to the other. I signed in, got more papers to fill out and a picture taken. The guy asked how I was, I said " scared". He smiled and said " You'll be fine, there are some fantastic doctors back there" nodding to the door. I smiled and went and sat down, and around this time Jo caught up with me with the food. 

We sat at a table and inhaled our halves of the sandwich, as we weren't sure how much time we would have before we were called back, Once we ate, we seats to something more comfortable than the hard seats we had been sitting on while we ate. I leaned against her, and she held me a moment, and kissed my forehead. 

The Nurse finally came and got us. 

Nurse Nicole sat us in a consultation room and asked a few questions about my symptoms. She took some vitals, laughed and joked with us as we nervously joked around. Finally, she left to go get one of the medical residents, who's full name slips my mind. I know it was Dr. Jason something. So, I'll just keep calling him Dr. Jason. 

Dr Jason looked like Chris Pratt almost, was super friendly and willing to listen to my terrible jokes and answer all my nervous questions. He asked me about what lead to this point, and what I thought was going on. I told him that we weren't 100 percent sure what the tumor was, but we were pretty sure it was a Chordoma. I told him everything I knew about Chordomas, ever little detail i could remember. Good and Bad. I think he was almost surprised I knew so much, as he just sat in his seat a moment, nodding. He then sighed and told me that, for the most part, I was correct. 

  I told him I had a whole checklist of questions I wanted to ask. He was very pleasant and told me to 'go for it'. I asked a couple, but soon realized that most of the questions I had were for the nuneurosurgeon. But, I got a couple of good questions in, like "what happens if we tried different treatment methods, or just didn't do anything". He looked at me, shook his head and said " that isn't an option". After all my questions, he made me due some basic movement tests. 

After those were done, he said he was going to go get Dr. Mehta. 

Dr. Mehta walked in, and I was surprised I wasn't looking at a 60 year old man. He was middle aged ( if that) and had a kind face. He shook both our hands and then sat down in front of me. He introduced himself and asked what I thought I had. I told him and he nodded. He tested my eyes again, and I think was a little surprised how doubled my vision was. 

He then said that he though surgery was going to be the best thing first. That he would like to being my case to the big meeting Radiologist and Surgeons have every Wednesday. He said the if it is a Chordoma, which he felt like it was, it was very resistant to radiation treatment. That he would be more comfortable with a biopsy and removal of the tumor and then to use radiation to treat the site where the tumor was. 

Jo asked him " What if the neurosurgeon decides it is too risky to try and remove the tumor, what happens? " he then looked us dead in the eye and said " Then we find someone who will do it. There are people that treating and operating on this type of tumor. This is all they do. " This put my mind to ease. I told him I was scared, and he told me that it was a natural feeling. But this tumor took a life time to grow and nothing was going to happen overnight.

I told him I was worried about the surgery.  He then took up all of the sudden and said  " i want to show you something. I'll be right back. " He came back in with a laptop and pulled up a picture of a Chordoma Tumor 6 times bigger than mine. He said this was a Chordorma that he just finished treating. He then pointed out a small corner and said " This is about the size of your tumor". He smiled and went on " This is the 1st surgery" moving to the second picture  "This is after the second," he then pointed to the last 2 " This is after the 3rd and 4th surgery. It's nearly gone." This just comforted me beyond words. He said " This tumor does have a chance of coming back, but the smaller they are.. the better." 

 He said that he would be putting my name on the list to be discussed on Wednesday, and that he felt surgery was going to be the best bet to start. He shook out hands again and excused himself. Dr. Jason saw us out, but not before showing me my scan and my tumor to compare the size of the one they had just showed me. Jo and I then left. 

So, here I am again. Just waiting. I don't know why I thought radiation might of been an option to kill this thing. But, i feel comfortable in knowing that I have the best Radiologit oncologist for the job. 

Oh well, Larry. Everything happens for a reason. And right now, I'm ready to fall asleep, as it is so late. So, i will talk to you tomorrow more. 

Sincerly, 

Tara

P.S.

You stink

P.S.S

No one likes you

Babbling.

Dear Larry,

Boy, lemme tell you, I'm running late with writing to you tonight. Its only because I was having such a fantastic day today. You only crossed my mind a couple times! Well.. and every time I looked to the left.. Stupid Larry, pushing on the 6th nerve of my eye.. making everything doubled and weird. Ah well. Today was still a good day.

I woke up today in better spirits. You see, Larry, last night I found a Facebook group dedicated to survivors and fighters of Chordoma. It is a private group, so only members are allowed to post and see posts. I thought to myself " What the hell, I'm going to see if I can join". I read in that Ed Lowe book that having a support group was super important.

He was so right.

Both of the admins messaged me and asked why I wanted to  get into the group. I told them about you, Larry. They let me right in. I made a post and introduced us, I told them all about you and I. What happened next I can only explain as amazing. People I've never met before, or even heard of, started to comment back and give me such a wealth of information it was almost overwhelming. Also with that information came this different type of support; Not one of them felt sorry for me or this situation you've put me in, Larry. They gave me hope by offering me information and the comfort of 'been there done that', because most of them have already overcome this.

Ed Lowe also said in his book that you come across people, who to everyone else, are just normal people.. But to you, become a source of inspiration. They become your heros. Right now, every single person in that group who has, is or knows someone fighting Chordoma is my hero. They have given me so much information and pointed me into so many good directions, its the only way I can describe them right now.

So, if anyone from the group is reading this, thank you so much for all the information and for giving everyone with Chordoma ( or who knows someone with it) a safe place to connect with others.

But, Larry, that's not the only reason today was amazing.

Today my girlfriend Jo and I ran off together on a thrift store day. We scored some TV trays, a computer chair and two new arm chairs for less than 30 bucks, I'm writing this blog in my new arm chair recliner! It is so stupid comfortable.

Man, I love  Jo's and my little adventures together, as we have loads of fun just by being ourselves. She can always make me laugh and makes me feel so loved. Today was no different. She had the idea of going off the beaten path and cutting through Loche Raven Reservoir. It is such a pretty drive up through there, though most of the main road was closed. Maybe due to the ice.. or a weekend thing. Not sure.

Anyway. we ended up parking the car and walking a little ways down to the water. She had to help me down a small incline because my left eye was making me feel uneasy. But, we made it down the water and took tons of pictures. Mostly being silly.Which is the way we like it. I know that this time is super difficult for her, but she never shows it. She's one of the strongest people I've ever met in my entire life. I'm so lucky to have her in my life, and even luckier to call her mine. She is just a constant source of inspiration and love. Another one of those heros, but this one I get to kiss and spend the rest of my life with. :D

When we got home, we cleaned house and got ready for our neighbors kids to come over for a while. My mom was up and about, tinkering with random things. She's been so super strong through this whole thing as well. Today she was having a bit of a downer day, which we are all allowed to have. She's my mom, ya know? She wishes she could do something about you, Larry. I know it breaks her heart that there is nothing she can do. I try to tell her that her love and support is enough.. But, again, everyone can have a downer day. I'm thankful she's just here to be with me. I love her so much and am just so thankful for her. I just wish she wouldn't kick herself in the ass for things she has no control over.

Oh well..

Anyway, the kids came over and all played with our little girl. They seemed to have tons of fun, which is what we aim for. But it was late-ish by the time they went home. Not that we minded, they are pretty good kids and they all have fun together.

 Anyway, I've just blabbered on tonight. I did have such a fantastic day. Tomorrow is Radiologist Oncologist appointment. I can honestly say that I'm only a little scared. I've done my research ( without getting too far into it) and I have a pretty good idea of what to expect. Plus I have my Girlfriend and Mom going with me. Plenty of people to hold my hand! I have to just keep reminding myself that tomorrow I'm just chatting with the doctor.

Which reminds me.. I have to print out the checklist the support group told me about. ... Hm.

Well, I do think it is time for bed. I promise I'll write something a little more.. well, more tomorrow, Larry. I also have to research more doctors and a new diet plan for myself. I'm going to be getting into health to more easily treat and get rid of you.

But! Tomorrow is a new day.

Sincerely,
Tara

P.S
You stink, Larry

P.S.S
No one likes you, Larry.

P.S.S.S
Jo redid the drawing of you that I did, that shows your demise via arrow in the head and lightening that represents proton radiation treatment.

Booyah. 

The Wheels Keep Turning

Dear Larry,

Well, here we are. It's day 5. You've known me my whole life and I've known about you for 5 days. It is so surreal. That's what I keep telling people, it is just so surreal. This is something you'd expect to hear from your friends, who's friends uncle's mother's sister's best friend from high school's mom's mom has. But then you blink and It's me. ... Me. .. Jesus, it's me.

I have a tumor in my head... this is happening. This is actually happening.

Sometimes I take a step back and I just watch the people around me. The older women talking smack about a friend they all have, the older guys talking about the other women who are talking smack about a friend they all have. Kids wondering around with their parents yelling at them to get back. I have a thought that crosses my mind ".. I wonder if I'm going to be given the chance to do that. " Not talk about any of my friends behind their backs or chase after my kid, but to grow older. I have these moments in the day where I have a split second of fear of my own mortality. Of you, Larry, getting larger. Of not making it. And this:

I quickly shake it off and move on, because I'm not going to allow those thoughts keep me down. Not for another second. "I'm lucky" I tell myself. Because, honestly I am. Larry, you're roughly the size of an olive. I have a chance to beat you, I know this because I will go to the ends of the earth making sure you do not win. I refuse to let something so small beat me. But then... I have another thought as I look at the people around me,

"What if..?"

 What if they have one of you, Larry? What if they have a Larry of their very own? The people I see in passing, the kids I see running around, the old hags talking about one other behind one another's backs, or the guys watching them do it.. What if they have one? I was born with you, what if they were too? I think that scares me more than anything. THAT is what keeps me up at night.

If I hadn't had issues with my eye, if I hadn't been seeing double, you would of just kept growing. ... There are people out there in the world with their Larry, and it's just growing inside of their head, and they have no fucking idea. That is what nightmares are made of. You are so rare, Larry.  Literally 1 out of of a Million. 300 people out of MILLIONS a year.

299 people out there in 2015 may be going through what I am going through right now or may not even know it. It sends shivers down my spine just thinking about it.

That's why I've been leaning on my friends, family and coworkers heavily to spread the word about Chordoma. I can't sit still between doctor visits knowing other people out there are having headaches, or eye issues and doing NOTHING. Or not following up and being stubborn. Being stubborn has given me a chance to save my life, and to end yours, Larry.

People need to be more stubborn and serious about medical issues they are having. That's the bottom line. No one deserves to have a Larry, Larry. No one. Nothing is too small to get checked out.  

It also makes it hard, as I've been looking around on the Internet and on Kindle for any books I can find regarding Chordoma, I've only stumbled on one book that isn't a jargon filled medical book for 200 dollars. One book about a man, Edward Lowe, who had a grapefruit sized Chordoma in his head. It has given me some comfort to know that this man went through this thing in the 1990's. He won, he beat his Larry. Granted it took 4 surgeries and 40+ treatments of Proton and Photon radiation, but by God, he beat the damn thing.

I wish I could hug him and tell him how much reading his book as helped. Granted, I am not 100 percent done with it, but I'm not sure I want to finish it! It's given me such hope against you, Larry. That a man in the 90's kicked his Chordoma in the ass, and his was triple the size of you.. Not just him, though. His cousin as well! TWO people in the same family..  

He's a survivor. I'm going to be a survivor, and I'm going to help as many people as I can through awareness and writing that I can to be survivors... or at the very least educated everyone I can on the subject.

This is my purpose.

There isn't tons of information about Chordoma that isn't terrifying. There are websites that call Chordoma Cancer, others that call it a Disease and never mention Cancer. Is it the same thing?!

I don't know!

 There are statements saying after people are diagnosed, they have 5 to 10 years, at most, of life left in them. That they are basically waiting for their slow growing Larry's to get bigger and take them down. But that isn't always the case. Because Ed survived ( I know because I skipped to the last few pages of the book while writing this, and don't you dare judge me) and I'm going to survive. And that is why I'm writing. That's the reason for this blog and for all the posts on Facebook. There isn't a lot of information, and I'm scared to look further into the information that is out in the universe. So, I'll write my experiences, my hopes, my troubles and triumphs.

I'm not kidding myself here, nor to you Larry, nor anyone reading this. This isn't fun. This is absolute hell. There is something in my body that I have no control over. Absolutely no control over. I know that I also have a very long road ahead of me. But it is a matter of accepting it, swallowing that extremely hard pill, looking at yourself in the mirror-- dead in the eye-- and say " Alright, here we go" and just doing it. I know as this blog goes on I'm going to have more to say about possible surgeries and radiation treatment, maybe even consoling and everything that goes with that. Changing my lifestyle and diet. The fear and moments of weakness that I am bound to have. But, I will also have more to say about the successes.

Every small Success.

Like just waking up, getting dresses, going to work, every moment that I don't allow those dark emotions to linger longer than just a fleeting moment. The laughs and smiles I have share with the people I love most and the people I don't even know. Those are small steps in the right direction. As time goes on, I look forward to the day where I can write a final blog. In that blog I will be able to end it saying two words:

I won.

Until then, I will keep ranting at you, Larry. I will keep spreading the word. I will keep nagging my friends and family and coworkers.. and most of all, I will keep living.

Sincerely,
Tara

P.S
You suck, Larry.

P.S.S
No one likes you, Larry.

Side Note:

I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for reading, sharing and keeping up with this blog. Also, thank you for your love and support! Sorry if this post seemed to skip some. Just so much to say!

Coming to Terms

Dear Larry,

It has been a difficult couple days for me, finding out you're in my head... well, it's been a hard pill to swallow. It's only been four days, but it seems like a life time since the doctor called me and told me. Those words will live with me forever.

"Tara, there is no good way to say this, I have some bad news for you, you have a Tumor"

He said it on one breath. That's all it took, was one good lung full of air.. It took mine away. It was like he used my own breath to tell me.  It was like being punched in the gut, and for a moment I thought I'd black out. I could hear myself sob out " What!?" before he continued to tell me that he wanted me to come see him ASAP and to bring the disks from the MRI. That was Tuesday, the 27th. I called my girlfriend and told her, and we spent a few moments crying on the phone, she was just in as much shock as I was, and I hated that I was so far from her when I told her. I left work, after three beautiful coworkers of mine spent a couple of minutes calming me down, telling me its going to be okay. Thank you Philly, Lisa and Mel. From the bottom of my heart.

I saw my boss on the way out to the parking lot, and told him. He hugged me, told me a story about his wife going through something similar and told me to take as much time as I needed. After I got in my car, I sat there a moment. Stunned. I called my girlfriend again and we chatted for a moment. I can't tell you guys how much I love this woman. She's my rock and the one I lean on when I just can't stand upright, figuratively and literally (sorry about those sloppy drunk nights in the past, babe!).

I then called my mom, heart in my freaking throat, scared she was going to react in the worst way possible -- like the way I reacted. She picked up, I told her.. and to my surprise, she took it so well that I thought she didn't hear me. " Location, depth and size", she said "Get those for me". She told me she loved me, to stay strong, and that was it. And that's all that I needed. I can't thank her enough for being so strong. My mom is seriously my hero.

After that, the doctor. He pulled me into the office as soon as I walked into the lobby and once we were back there, he gave me the biggest hug and I cried on his shoulder for a moment. He told me it was okay to be scared, and that he would show me where it was and everything he could about it. Which he did. He told me that the person looking over the film from the MRI was his friend, and when he found the tumor, he called the Doctor at home. That's why I was there so quickly. He loaded the film and we looked through hundreds of pictures of my brain, skull, and everything else hanging out between my ears. Finally, he found it. In one of the pictures out of the hundreds we looked through. It was almost anticlimactic. It was just like an olive in front of my brainstem, and you couldn't really make it out without him pointing it out. But, there it was.

 I am grateful to have this wonderful doctor that cared. He told me I was going to get depressed, and that was okay. That it was to be expected. He told me don't be ashamed to see someone, so you can talk to them, or be scared to get on antidepressants. I asked him " Doc.. how scared should I be?" .. He paused a moment. Smiled and said " Moderately." He told me that there was a lot that was going to be happening, but I was in the best care in the world, that where he was sending me had one of the best teams in the US and I'd be in good hands, and he would be following me every step of the way.

The doctor's words rang in my head, and the rest of the day was sort of a blur. I remember sitting on the couch and just.. existing. With all this news and information in my head. I'd have moments of crying and self loathing. My girlfriend went to the store and surprised me with these beautiful flowers with my favorite color and she cooked me my favorite dinner ( Chicken Katsu, Mac Salad and Rice). We made the best of that day, and held one another in silence at times. We also made fun of you, Larry. But, you probably heard. Loser.

I made the announcement about you, Larry, on my Facebook. And the out-pour of support and love was overwhelming. I cannot tell you guys how amazing you all are, and how much you've all helped me come to terms with this.

On the 28th, I saw the Neurosurgeon, and older gentleman who saw me between two brain aneurysm surgeries, which made me feel lucky that he made time for me. What he said to me was scary, because he didn't say much. The jist of it was he needed more information. He needed to know what the bone the tumor was growing on was doing. If it was there, thicker, thin or what. He said that the tumor was in a really hard place to get to, so he needed all the information he could. What I hear? The tumor was tough, and it may be impossible to get to. Was that what he really said? No. But, that's what I heard. I cried more. And spent the rest of the day feeling pretty shitty.

The Neurosurgeon referred me to the Radiologist Oncologist for a very scifi type of treatment option, called Proton Radiation Therapy. It sounds like this:

But really, it is something like this: 

I have an appointment Monday, February 2nd at 1:30  for a consultation, at the University of Maryland. So, we will see what happens. 

Yesterday I received a package from an old coworker of mine who now works in NYC. He got me my current job, which I love. I have nothing but respect for him and look up to him professionally, and also consider him a very good friend. He sent me a package with hats, a shirt and a beautiful letter that made my day. It was just unbelievably sweet, and brought me to tears. Myself and two other of my coworkers wore the hats around all day, giggling at one another. It turned a very shitty day into a very good day at the end ( plus a couple drinks at lunch sort of helped out, as well). 

So, here we are Larry. It is now the 30th, and everything has sort of slowed down. Everything moved so quickly at first, doctor, doctor, cat scan, new doctor appointment, and now we wait. Where we go from here, I don't know. But, on the bright side, I drew a picture of you: 

See how dumb you look? ... Because you are. Super dumb. 

Just saying. 

Anyway, thank you all for being there for me. For checking on me, and for reading through this blog of mine. I'm going to try and write in it nearly every day of my thoughts and feelings, and just generally hating on Larry. A special thank you to my Mom, My Girlfriend Jolynn, my daughter for being such a good girl, Kate, Jonathan and all my friends, my family, and all my coworkers. I cannot express how each and every one of  you have helped me come to terms with this. 

So thank you, thank you, thank you. 

Larry. Screw you.  Or as Christie ( my sloth buddy and coworker) put it #fucklarry.

Sincerely, 

Tara

P.S. 

You suck, Larry

P.S.S

No on likes you, Larry. 

Meet Larry.

Dear Larry, 

You are a tumor in my head. You're small and you're scary. And I hate you.

They call you a Chordoma, but right now, they're not 100% sure that is what you are. But, that's what they call you. They say you effect 1 in a Million people, mostly men. So, why you have it out for me, I don't know. You're sitting on a small bone in my head between my pituitary gland and my brainstem. You're about an inch long and a half of inch thick. But, you are fat enough to be pushing on a nerve that runs to my eye causing me Six Nerve Palsy. ... Fat-ass. Now I can't look to the left without seeing double of everything! And it is a constant reminder that you're there! Thanks, jerk.

I mean, just look at you:

We've already been to a few doctors, and you've been stubborn this whole time. Hopefully this new CAT Scan will shed some light on your position to see if we can remove your ass from my skull. We will be seeing the radiologist Monday to see if we can start Proton Radiation Treatment to see if that will stop you from getting too comfortable in my head. Because, honestly, no one should get comfortable up there. It can be a weird place. .. And let's face it, you don't really deserve to be there.

God, Larry. You're such a dick.

I've cried a lot and I'm scared. But, you will not bring me down. I have more support and more love in my life than the amount of cells making up your tiny little fat, gross body. My girlfriend and my mom are my rock and give me so much love, and the rest of my friends and family give me so much support. There is no way you can bring down this entire herd of people.

Larry, look. I've called you so nasty names, and to be honestly, I don't feel guilty. I think you're a monster and I hate you so much. But, a word of advice before I get too nasty -- Get out why you can, because shits about to get real, and you don't have a chance in hell.


Sincerely,

Tara
You know, the lady's head you're in.

P.S.

You're a jerk.

P.S.S

No one likes you.