6 hours to go..

Dear Larry,

Here we are. Its midnight. The house is settled down, my child isn't going batshit crazy anymore, my mom is calm and trying to sleep, my aunt isn't scurrying around rearranging and deep cleaning everything. My girlfriend, however, is still as busy as a bee finishing up last minute things and refusing to allow me to lift a finger. But, most of all,  I can no longer eat or drink anything.

And I've never been more hungry or thirsty in my god-given life.

It is weird the things that go through your mind before surgery, stupid things. Like: What type of jam-jams I should wear. Should I shave my legs again? Can I wear a pony tail? Are they going to put the catheter in before or after I'm knocked the heck out? What time should I be there? ... Is it still happening?

Holy crap, is it still happening?-- Yeah, I totally freaked out about that just a moment ago. We realized that I never got a call to confirm the time of arrival today. I was supposed to. Buuuut, I never got a call. So now, I'm scared to death I'm going to show up and they'll be like " Oh, well, it's not until 3." Or " Wrong day, it's tomorrow." Or " .. You missed it. It was yesterday." For the love of jeezus, I hope I didn't miss this stupid surgery.

Stupid surgery.

I shouldn't say that. I mean, it really isn't stupid by any means. Its super complicated and there is going to be people smarter than I probing things up my nose to remove a type of cancer-tumor from under my brain. Plus, it would be smart to get the surgery because.. ya know, tumor-removal tends to help the ol' life expectancy a bit.

...Ugh. Hungry.

But, on another note. I want to take this time, mere hours before my surgery, to thank every single person who has supported me and sent prayers and well wishes to me. All of those who took the time out to make me feel special and loved. I can never repay your kindness, friendship and love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I want to thank Jo, my girlfriend, for never leaving my side through all of this living hell. I have no idea what I would do if I didn't have you by my side. Thank you for keeping me level headed and being my rock when I felt too weak at the knees to stand. You're my heart and soul and I will never be able to thank you enough for all you've done for me and my family. I love you so much and I look forward to spending the rest of my life by your side.

Mom, thank you for being as strong as you can be and making sure all the tough questions were asked and keeping me level headed. I love you dearly.

Dee, thank you for flying out here and taking care of us. I've missed you dearly and it means tons to me that you're here. Thank you to the rest of my family for calling me and texting me well wishes and tons of love. Also my blanket, which will always be near to me at the hospital.

Jonathan, Kate, Melody, thank you for being the best friend a Gal could ask for. Always being an ear and a shoulder to talk to. For the laughter, love and fun. Thank you so much.

Mark, Meredith, Hibby, Legs ( Pak), Jason, Erica, Greg, Lisa, Mel, Elise, AJ, Taryn, Andy and the risk Team, Tony, Steve, Boyd, and everyone else at work. Thank you for making my last couple of weeks at work filled with love and laughter. I couldn't imagine working with a better bunch of people. Love you guys.

And everyone else who I didn't say by name, thank you for being there. Thank you for reaching out to me, letting me know you care and you're thinking of me. Thank you for all the prayers and well wishes. Thank you for filling up my facebook with love and support. Thank you for making me feel much loved.

I'm done. But, really, guys, all of you. Thank you. This will be over soon and I can get my life back. I'll also, hopefully, get my eye back as well! Because, lemme tell you, you never realize how much you look to one side until you're eye stops working at a certain point and you look cockeye'd.

That's all I got. I may post again before surgery, but probably not. For sure after, though. When, ya know, I can function again.

Thanks again, everyone. Catch you on the flip side.

-Tara

P.S
Enjoy your last night Larry.

P.S.S
No one likes you, Larry.

Less than 30 hours to go..

Dear Larry the Tumor,

It's been a while, hasn't it? It has been a whirlwind of emotions and ups and down. You were supposed to be out already, the 10th was our first date, remember? Well, that didn't happen..


It was a couple days before the surgery was supposed to take place, I was already off work, FMLA/Short Term Disability already about to start, pre-op appointment done. I get a call around 10 from the doctors office. It wasn't a call I was expecting, so I answered it with some reserve. It was a short call, mostly filled with me stammering to figure out what I should say to " Tara, we have to change the date of the surgery, the doctor has too many surgeries as an emergency case came in. We'll have to move it to the 24th.".. I just was taken aback. I completely understood the need to change it, I honestly did. Someone's case was more pressing than mine, and I would much rather than them to go first... because, lets face the fact Larry, you're not leaving or moving anytime soon without some assistance from a highly trained medical staff. But, I was still a little crushed. I mean, I am totally not excited about surgery, but you get mentally prepared and ready for everything to happen, and when it gets changed it is like you have to start all over again. My aunt was about to come out and everything, work had already worked with me.. and...-- well, it was what it was. It was just draining emotionally.

But, here we are now. It is officially the day before surgery.. 12:37am as I write this sentence. I'm off work, dates have been changed, FMLA back on track, my Aunt is here making my house both physically and mentally better. I've done absolutely nothing but shuffle around the house in a state of indifference. I don't know how to feel. It is coming, no matter what I say or do. It is happening.

There is just so much I feel like I didn't get done, Prep things that I neglected because I didn't want to think about. I feel like I'm forgetting things. I feel like I didn't spend enough time with people. I just need more time. .. I just need this to be done. I just want to get this over. Ugh. Just.. ugh.

Well, I'm done bitching for now. I'll write more a tad bit later when I can concentrate better.