Alive!

Dear Larry the -- Wait a second.

Whoa.

.. I mean.. Whoa.

You're not there, are you? .. I mean. A hear a faint little groan from deep inside my head, but for the most part, you're not there. Holy shit, guys. Larry is nearly gone. Its been a while, and lemme tell you, a LOT has happened. I know I've been super bad about keeping up with my blog, but still. No excuses. .. I just got super lazy. So, here's what you've missed:

On March 24th, I went in for my surgery. I was fashionably late by a half hour, because.. .. ya know. Surgery looming over your head tends to make you wanna move a touch slower than you normally would... and lets just be honest here, it was 4 in the morning and I was flipping tired. Anyway. I got there.. and everything seemed to just happen in a flash. One second I'm in the waiting room, just paid an ENORMOUS co-pay, and the next I'm in a hospital gown with a swarm of people around me. I was being poked for blood, asked questions by three different people, getting my blood pressure done, and trying to say good-bye to my mom and girlfriend. The ENT ( ears, nose and throat) Doctor came in and shook my hand. He was a tall chap, and funny. He was asking me if I was ready, which I just sort of stared at him blankly.. sorta like this:

He smiled and went on to inform me that he hadn't had his morning coffee and that he was up all night drinking, so he wasn't ready either. .. He was joking. I hope. I mean.. .. He was. Right. Yeah, we're all good here. Anyway. I was wheeled back, my girlfriend and mom tagging a long behind me. Talking somewhat until we came to a fork in the road, so to speak. We went one way, my mom and girlfriend went another. When we rolled through the doors of the operating room, I remember it was so white. There were a lot more people in there than I was anticipating, and they were all busy doing something. One nurse was checking fluids, another guy was looking at a 3d map of my head ( which was UBER weird to see), another two were helping me get moved to the table. The main nurse said " I'm about to be your favorite forever" then placed a warm blanket over my body, which felt so amazing. The anesthesiologist was hover around me and said " we will start when my partner comes in." Two seconds later, he was there. She said " we're going to let you go under now" and I nodded and said okay. She said " You're going to feel warm and then that will be it." I nodded again. There was a warmth, and my eyes felt so heavy. The warmth spread to my limbs and that was it. The last thing I saw was the lights above my head.

I woke up to another swarm of people, a couple saying my name and something about moving to another table. I was in a different room and they were pulling me to lay on a catscan table. I helped as much as I could, but mostly was dead weight making things harder. I remember a guy from the CAT Scan saying good luck to me. Then I remember being in recovery in ICU. There was this amazing nurse there that stayed real close. She informed me that they stopped the surgery after getting through the bone they drilled through. Dr. Aldrich wanted to make sure his measurements were 100%.  That I'd have to do this again. I was sad, but I was also really thirsty and she was holding ice chips. I ate a couple and drifted in and out of awake and sleepy-sleepy time. Jo and my Mom finally came back and they both held my hand. They asked if I knew and I nodded. They said that Dr. Aldrich came out and said that he stopped because he wanted to be sure. A resident came and talked to us and said that in the OR Dr. Aldrich stopped and said " If this was my daughter, I would want me to stop now."  and that's that they did. I thank him, from the bottom of my heart, for that.

Next was ICU room, where I slept off the groggy-ness for the next couple of days. I sorta looked like this:

But, honestly. This is what I looked like:  

The circles on my head are from these little stickies they put on my head to help map out where their 'gps' was. .. And let me tell you, that was hard to get off! I wasn't in a whole lot of pain, but my shoulder really, really hurt from the position they had me in. I couldn't breathe because I was all stuffy, and it hurt to talk. But, the pain itself wasn't that bad. They brought me food once I was set up in my room, which I tried to eat. But, promptly threw up all over my self. Thank god my mom and girlfriend was there and cleaned my up rather quickly. I chewed on a little bread and chewed on some ice, but eventually, just went back to sleep. 

I was bouncing back within 24 hours. My best friend came and saw me, and Jo never left my side. Many doctors came and went, and talked to me about what happened and how I was feeling. I had to keep the catheter in because I was going back to surgery within 2 days time, so there was no point in taking it out, and that was the most uncomfortable thing ever. The night before my surgery, one of the residents came in and said " I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I'm going to have to shave a little off your scalp for the stickies so we have a better view." So, I sat up and he shaved 4 spots on my head and left. I cried, and it wasn't because I now looked like I was balding, but because it was real again. I was going to wake up and be going back to surgery. Sure enough, the next day ( 26th, now), it was happening again. The second time around, for me, was the harder. It was just the fear of doing it again.  I just kept telling myself " I'm going to go to sleep and wake up". 

That's what I did. I went to sleep and woke up to the same thing. The CAT Scan room, this time they put me on a backboard and all I could do was apologizes for being of the larger girth than most. Most of the people shushed me and I just went back to sleep.  

I was in the hospital for a week. My shoulder hurt but my nose wasn't that bad. Tender, but not as bad as I thought it was. Dr. Aldrich saw me, and told me they got it all but a tiny sliver back next to an artery. He said it would of been more risky to get it than it was to just leave it and let radiation take care of it.  The fact of the matter was I was alive, and most of the tumor was out. And  I was happy with that. 

I was blessed with a good staff, both in the OR and out. I didn't really have a nurse or caregiver that I didn't like or love. My girlfriend was able to stay by my side nearly the entire time and I even had 4 friends visit me, and they spolied me with cards, a shirt, balloons and a little hand made sloth doll. But, I was just delighted to see them. I even showed for them, which I'm sure if they had known, they would of thanked me. Because.. I was smelling like a hospital! 

When I was finally released, I came home to my mom, kid, girlfriend and aunt. My Aunt came into town to help take care of my kid and myself while  was down. She spoiled me rotten as she normally does, and I had such a good time visiting with her. 

Fast Forward till now. 

I'm okay. My smell/taste is back to normal. My nose, though still tender, is no where like it was annnnd my shoulder doesn't hurt anymore! I Just saw the man who discovered the tumor ( who I cannot thank enough, he basically saved my life) and had a check up with him. He is beyond pleased with how I am doing, my eyesight is 100% again, annnnnnd he even did some magic tricks for us. :D Dr. Kelman is a blessing and the most wonderful man I have ever met in the medical field. I love him to bits and hate that I may not see him for a long long time. 

Dr. Kelman doing magic for my kid, and blowing my mom's mind in the background.,

Thank you to the man who saved my life. 

Today I saw the radiologist and talked to him about going to Philly for my Proton Treatment. I'm off work until August, which is stressful. But needed. 

But, we will talk more about that later. 

So, in conclusion. 

So Long Larry. 

Ps. 

I'm winning. 

6 hours to go..

Dear Larry,

Here we are. Its midnight. The house is settled down, my child isn't going batshit crazy anymore, my mom is calm and trying to sleep, my aunt isn't scurrying around rearranging and deep cleaning everything. My girlfriend, however, is still as busy as a bee finishing up last minute things and refusing to allow me to lift a finger. But, most of all,  I can no longer eat or drink anything.

And I've never been more hungry or thirsty in my god-given life.

It is weird the things that go through your mind before surgery, stupid things. Like: What type of jam-jams I should wear. Should I shave my legs again? Can I wear a pony tail? Are they going to put the catheter in before or after I'm knocked the heck out? What time should I be there? ... Is it still happening?

Holy crap, is it still happening?-- Yeah, I totally freaked out about that just a moment ago. We realized that I never got a call to confirm the time of arrival today. I was supposed to. Buuuut, I never got a call. So now, I'm scared to death I'm going to show up and they'll be like " Oh, well, it's not until 3." Or " Wrong day, it's tomorrow." Or " .. You missed it. It was yesterday." For the love of jeezus, I hope I didn't miss this stupid surgery.

Stupid surgery.

I shouldn't say that. I mean, it really isn't stupid by any means. Its super complicated and there is going to be people smarter than I probing things up my nose to remove a type of cancer-tumor from under my brain. Plus, it would be smart to get the surgery because.. ya know, tumor-removal tends to help the ol' life expectancy a bit.

...Ugh. Hungry.

But, on another note. I want to take this time, mere hours before my surgery, to thank every single person who has supported me and sent prayers and well wishes to me. All of those who took the time out to make me feel special and loved. I can never repay your kindness, friendship and love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I want to thank Jo, my girlfriend, for never leaving my side through all of this living hell. I have no idea what I would do if I didn't have you by my side. Thank you for keeping me level headed and being my rock when I felt too weak at the knees to stand. You're my heart and soul and I will never be able to thank you enough for all you've done for me and my family. I love you so much and I look forward to spending the rest of my life by your side.

Mom, thank you for being as strong as you can be and making sure all the tough questions were asked and keeping me level headed. I love you dearly.

Dee, thank you for flying out here and taking care of us. I've missed you dearly and it means tons to me that you're here. Thank you to the rest of my family for calling me and texting me well wishes and tons of love. Also my blanket, which will always be near to me at the hospital.

Jonathan, Kate, Melody, thank you for being the best friend a Gal could ask for. Always being an ear and a shoulder to talk to. For the laughter, love and fun. Thank you so much.

Mark, Meredith, Hibby, Legs ( Pak), Jason, Erica, Greg, Lisa, Mel, Elise, AJ, Taryn, Andy and the risk Team, Tony, Steve, Boyd, and everyone else at work. Thank you for making my last couple of weeks at work filled with love and laughter. I couldn't imagine working with a better bunch of people. Love you guys.

And everyone else who I didn't say by name, thank you for being there. Thank you for reaching out to me, letting me know you care and you're thinking of me. Thank you for all the prayers and well wishes. Thank you for filling up my facebook with love and support. Thank you for making me feel much loved.

I'm done. But, really, guys, all of you. Thank you. This will be over soon and I can get my life back. I'll also, hopefully, get my eye back as well! Because, lemme tell you, you never realize how much you look to one side until you're eye stops working at a certain point and you look cockeye'd.

That's all I got. I may post again before surgery, but probably not. For sure after, though. When, ya know, I can function again.

Thanks again, everyone. Catch you on the flip side.

-Tara

P.S
Enjoy your last night Larry.

P.S.S
No one likes you, Larry.

Less than 30 hours to go..

Dear Larry the Tumor,

It's been a while, hasn't it? It has been a whirlwind of emotions and ups and down. You were supposed to be out already, the 10th was our first date, remember? Well, that didn't happen..


It was a couple days before the surgery was supposed to take place, I was already off work, FMLA/Short Term Disability already about to start, pre-op appointment done. I get a call around 10 from the doctors office. It wasn't a call I was expecting, so I answered it with some reserve. It was a short call, mostly filled with me stammering to figure out what I should say to " Tara, we have to change the date of the surgery, the doctor has too many surgeries as an emergency case came in. We'll have to move it to the 24th.".. I just was taken aback. I completely understood the need to change it, I honestly did. Someone's case was more pressing than mine, and I would much rather than them to go first... because, lets face the fact Larry, you're not leaving or moving anytime soon without some assistance from a highly trained medical staff. But, I was still a little crushed. I mean, I am totally not excited about surgery, but you get mentally prepared and ready for everything to happen, and when it gets changed it is like you have to start all over again. My aunt was about to come out and everything, work had already worked with me.. and...-- well, it was what it was. It was just draining emotionally.

But, here we are now. It is officially the day before surgery.. 12:37am as I write this sentence. I'm off work, dates have been changed, FMLA back on track, my Aunt is here making my house both physically and mentally better. I've done absolutely nothing but shuffle around the house in a state of indifference. I don't know how to feel. It is coming, no matter what I say or do. It is happening.

There is just so much I feel like I didn't get done, Prep things that I neglected because I didn't want to think about. I feel like I'm forgetting things. I feel like I didn't spend enough time with people. I just need more time. .. I just need this to be done. I just want to get this over. Ugh. Just.. ugh.

Well, I'm done bitching for now. I'll write more a tad bit later when I can concentrate better.

The Count Down.

Dear Larry,

Boy. It's been a bit, hasn't it? Can't say a whole lot happened between the last entry and now. Your day is coming up, you remember right? The day you'll be yanked from my nose and into a little tube and shipped off? Oh, did I not tell you about that last part? My bad. I just got off the phone with a LOVELY woman named Patty. Patty works at the Chordoma Foundation, you see. She works on getting samples from tumors to be cut open, poked and probed to find a cure. We're doing that... Well, more like I'm signing a paper saying they can take you to the lab and be experimented on.

Sorry not sorry.

Now that I'm over teasing you, here is the happenings:

The past week or so I've been avoiding blogging. It just seemed redundant to just tell you how my days was because life, simply put, just goes on. It doesn't stop because there is a tumor in my skull. I still have to work, I still have to be responsible and get things down. I can't allow myself to not work, or get things done, because I cannot dwell. I just have to keep.. well, moving.

The support at work and at home as been overwhelmingly amazing and I have to admit, I work and know some pretty awesome people. I'm never lonely and there is too much love in my life to be. I've been hugged, gifted things, and spoiled rotten. But, material things as neat as they are, don't mean as much to me as these people do. I love these people beyond words.

But the stuff is worth showing off. :D

AJ, a co-worker and a dear friend, stopped my the office and gave me the BIGGEST hug. I mean, he is like 6'7 or some noise like that, so it was a pretty big hug. But also threw hats at me and a Mudcrab plushie that will be going to the hospital with me. It was super sweet of him, and really, it was just nice seeing him. He is missed around here!

Then, a bunch of co-workers got together and also purchased this for me :

For those who don't know, I am a HUGE Alien(s) fan, and am pretty nerdy when it comes to stuff like this. This Xenomorph is one of my prized items and I will keep it for the rest of my life, and my child will keep it for the rest of hers, and so on and so forth.  I didn't know how to react when they gifted this to me. I sort of just sat there, stunned. Wanting to cry but not. I dunno, it just means so much to me. The Xeno, yes, but the fact that these lovely people would even think about doing that for me. I dunno. It just makes me feel.. beyond blessed.  So, thank you Andy, Tony, Frank, Mel, Elise, Ian, Steve, Jordan, Claire, Linette, Melody and Leah. And thank you to the Etsy Store Owner who crafted this work of art: https://www.etsy.com/shop/Metalmodelhouse

____________________________________________________________________________

Its taken me three days to write this blog, and for no reason. I'm stressed, scared but excited. The date keeps creeping closer and closer and a part of me wants to slow down the time and a part of me wants to speed it up. 

We will see. 

Until next time. 

-Tara

The Eviction Notice

Dear Larry,

On Monday, Larry, your eviction notice was signed and delivered. On march 10th, 2015 -- In less than a month -- you'll be removed from my head, and hopefully my life. Though I am scared beyond measure I am also excited that this will be over. Here's how it is going to work: 

They'll be going through my nose, using tiny scopes and instruments they shove up there. Also there will be electrodes on my skull to help guide them through. Once they're through my sinuses they will drill through the clivus and then you'll be there. The doctor will take a snip of you, and hand that snip to another doctor on stand by, who will look under the microscope to make sure you are a Chordoma. Once that is done and they find out you are a Chordoma, they will move on. Hopefully you're fat and squishy. Because if you are fat and squishy they'll slurp you up using a little suction hose. If not? Things will get a bit more difficult and they'll have to remove you piece by piece. 

Of course there are risks. Risks to the nerve your little fat body is pressed up against. Risks to a major blood vessel behind your little gross self, and if they cut or damage it, I could have a stroke. Another thing is that there is fluid stuck behind you, and that fluid needs to come out, which has pros and cons. The pro is if the fluid comes out, that means they got some, if not all of you. However, I'll be at a higher risk of infection. 

Here is the fun part, because they can't have me leaking out of the nose, they will put a drain in. The drain will run from my head and down my back. I'll be in the hospital for 5 days and out of work for 6 weeks. Which is a suuuuper long time. But, we will see how it goes. 

So, Larry! Here we do. The beginning of the end.. hopefully.

Everyone at work as been super supportive and super nice. They've even gone so far as gifts, which is appreciated but not necessary. Their love and support is all I need. The other day I walked in and there was a large box of Magic Cards on my desk-- which if no one knows, I'm a huge fan of the game-- I nearly cried. Andrew left it on my desk and I tracked him down and gave him a awkward hug. I'm so appreciative of it, and every other gift I've been given. But, honestly, it is not needed. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel blessed to know so many fantastic people and that is gift enough.

The pack of many, many good cards.

Buuuut, as a side note, I love the magic cards, lol.

Anyway. I also have my pre-opt surgery appointment scheduled. February 20th at 8 in the morning. That's when they'll check me out. Hopefully a week after that I'll be able to work from home, to ensure I don't get sick from all the gross Call Center germs floating around. We'll see, though. I just cannot wait to get this over with. I've come to terms with everything, I know this has to get done. I know it is so scary right now, but at the same time, I'm excited to get this over with. I feel like this has been looming over my head forever know, which I know it hasn't. But when you know there is something living in your head, you're just ready to get something done. That something done is within my grasp. It is just a matter of keeping my cool and getting there.

At least it isn't brain surgery.. Or rather:

Right now I'm just trying to drink more water, stay active and eat a bit better than I have been. So far so good, I've been getting my daily required amount of water, which is good. Again, the support from my coworkers has been amazing, and my mom and girlfriend has been fantastic.

I am such a lucky person. I truly am.

Love you guys.

Hate you, Larry.

Sincerly,

-Tara

P.S
No one likes you, Larry

P.S.S
You stink Larry. 

Damnit, Larry

Dear Larry,

GAWD DURN IT, LARRY. I HATE YOU SO MUCH. HATE. HATE IS A VERY STRONG WORD SO I AM WRITING IT IN ALL CAPS, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW MUCH HATE I HAVE FOR YOU.

And I'm done. Sorry, there. Had to just get it out. Okay, now. *Ahem*

Dear, Larry

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is when we talk to the neurosurgeon again. This time it is to get the 'plan of action'. Tomorrow is the day we figure out how to get you out of my head. To be totally honest, I am absolutely petrified. Of course I did what I wasn't supposed to do and that is to look online. I just wanted to know where the clivus was! You know, the one that you're leaching off of, you giant turd.

Yes, I called you a giant turd.

I don't want to assume how he is going to get to you, Larry. I don't know if it will be something 'simple' as going through my nose, or if it'll be more difficult like breaking my freakin' jaw. I dunno. I don't want to assume, like I said. But the idea of everything really freaks me out. But, I guess the idea of any super evasive surgery would be pretty freaky to anyone.

Ugh. Just... Ugh. I hate this. I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to stay positive, and for the most part I am. But I am scared to death..

And it is totally okay for me to feel like this. I've come to terms with this. I am going to be scared, ya know? I'm going to get my head cut open, how I don't know, but at the end of the day, my head is going to be poked at. And I hear it is a long surgery.. and not an easy one, at that.

But I can do this.

I'll keep telling myself this. I know I'm over thinking, and I know I'm stressing before I need to. But I can't help it. I know it is going to happen, I can't control it, and I have to go with the flow. That's just the bottom line. I have to go with the flow.

So I will.

And that's it. That's tonight letter to you, Larry. I am going to ask all my questions to the surgeon, I'm going to get as much information as I can, and then I will just go with the flow.

Sincerely,
Tara

P.S
No one likes you, Larry.

P.S.S
You stink, Larry.

Checked out.

Dear Larry,

I had checked out the past couple of days. I was feeling pretty shitty and totally stressed about the idea of surgery. I had spoken with the Neurosurgeon's office again, and made an appoint for Monday at 1:00 to have a consultation about the surgery, and for some reason that was just too real for me.

Everyone keeps saying "Oh, you're so strong" and " You're taking this so well",  but these past few days I've felt weak and helpless. For a moment there, I thought I was letting everyone down, being weak. I was also feeling really super sorry for myself but at the same time, hating myself for feeling sorry for myself because there were people out there with tumors much larger than mine. Also, there were people out there with cancer that takes lives quickly. .. I was just having all the feels. Or, it can be summed up by this picture:

My mom talked to me, hugged me, told me it would be okay, but told me it was okay to feel what I felt..to be depressed and go upstairs to my room and feel those feels, and that was comforting. Jo held me for a while and just let me cry, talked to me, told me it would be okay, kissed me and loved me. The feeling of her arms around me was enough to comfort me.  I appreciated them both so much. But, I just felt so bad. Felt bad about the surgery, felt bad I wasn't being strong, felt bad I wasn't handling this better, felt bad about you, Larry. About you just being there. I just felt so freaking bad! UGH!

I allowed myself to have those couple days of just.. being. I didn't blog because I didn't have the energy and I didn't want to cry again. So, I just was. Just going about my day. And today, I feel much better. Jo and my mom have been nothing but supportive, and all my friends and coworkers have been amazing. Dina, a good friend and coworker, even took me out all day today and it was so nice to just not have to worry about a thing.

I'm not sure who said this to me, and I wish it did, because it made me feel a tons better too ( I think it was Erica) : bravery isn't having any fear, it's being scared and doing it anyway.

And I am going to do it. I'm going to work through this. I will have the surgery and I will get past this.

This whole thing is an emotional roller coaster. And I'm learning that it is okay for me to feel like absolute crap, its okay to be really depressed, and it is okay to feel like nothing is wrong and ignore it for a while. As long as it don't stay that way, it is okay.

However, I've never been one to stay down for long. I'm trying to turn around this whole ordeal. I've started a gofundme.com page (http://www.gofundme.com/chordomawarrior )  to raise money to buy bracelets so I can sell those to raise money for the Chordoma Foundation. I know they already have bracelets, but  I wanted to make these more personal. All the money will go to the foundation and some people get some really kick ass bracelets!

I've been working on eating better, Kate has been super supportive along with Jo and Mom. Been drinking so much more water, and some girls at work ( Elise, Mel, Lisa and Myself) are having a competition to see who can drink the most water per day. That has actually helped a lot in the water intake.

Honestly, without these people in my life, I don't know how I'd be handling this. I cannot stress this enough to anyone going through this or something similar to get your friends and family involved. Don't keep things like this secret. They will help so, so, so much. Believe me.

Having people there is amazing. And I thank all those in my life again, from the bottom of my heart, for everything that everyone does for me and my family.

So, I will get through this and I have an army of people to help me. But, it is also okay for me to feel super sad and helpless. But, I will not let those moments stick around for long.

This too shall pass.

That's it.

Sincerely,
Tara

P.S
No one likes you, Larry

P.S.S
You stink, Larry

The Call and the Road Ahead

Dear Larry,

Not sure if you know this, but we were waiting for a call from the Radiology Oncology office today. When we went, they had told us that we were going to be put on a list and discussed about at this big Wednesday Doctor meeting. Its where all these big-wig Doctors get together and talk about special and difficult cases. Basically, they talked about us behind out backs.

Anyway, they called. We're going to be going through surgery. The Neurosurgeons office will be calling us sometime this week, before or on Friday. Until then, it is sort of a waiting and preparing game. Which is slowly driving me insane, but I get why this type of thing can't be rushed. After all, I kinda need my brain and spine and all the things up there, 'cept you of course.

So, what am I going to do in the meantime? Try and get healthy.

Because I'm sort of like this:

... Buuuut, I'm also kinda like this:

Regardless, it needs to be done. One of the Doctors Monday had stated that if I just walked 30 mins a day, to get my heart and lungs ready for surgery, that would be enough. But, honestly, this whole thing has scared me pretty bad. I was thinking about what if I wasn't young and someone in good health? What if I was bigger, or so unhealthy to the point of surgery not being an option? That scares the crap out of me. I gotta be around for a while, damnit!

So, an amazing bunch of people at work and my girlfriend and mom are all on board with helping me get ready and get healthier.  We do water races at work to see who drinks more water. Some coworkers are willing to go walking around the building. Kate and her Boyfriend, Matt,  is willing to join a gym with Jo and I.  I'm trying to stay away from the junk food and soda. Which, is kinda hard to do.  But, I want to get healthy.

Skinny doesn't necessarily mean healthy.

I'm trying to be healthy and happy. I'm not looking to go skin and bone.  I want to be comfortable with my body and I want to make it easier for the Doctors. I know I'm not going to be able to lose a ton of weight before the surgery, but I do want to be healthier.

Larry, that's all I got tonight. I'm still kind of feeling off. I guess its half because the stress is gone, but a new set of stress is setting in. Preparing for surgery, knowing it is coming down the line... Ugh.  And sometimes I feel super guilty being so nervous and sad. There are people out there that have it worse than I do, and I worry about those people. But, I guess you can't help worrying a little about yourself, ya know? ...

Well, you wouldn't know, Larry. You're just a dumb tumor.

Bed time!

Sincerly,
Tara

P.S
You stink, Lary.

P.S.S
No one likes you, Larry.

Chordorma- Cancer, Disease or something in-between?

Dear Larry,

Let me first start off  by saying, I don't know 100% that you're a chordorma. I wont know until I've had surgery for a biopsy. Until then, you're a tumor in my head that appears to be, and most likely is a chordorma. Now, with that out of the way, lets talk about what you are... if you are in fact a chordorma.

First thing that came into my head when Dr. Kelmer called me and said those famous words " There's a tumor", my mind jumped on the 'Oh my god, I have cancer' train fairly quickly. Of course it did. When someone says tumor, that's anyone's first assumption. But you, Larry, as a chordorma... are a little.. well, let's say special. Dr. Metha and Dr. Jason probably explained it the best to me.

Chordoma isn't really cancer, in the typical sense of the word. It doesn't typically metastasize and spread to different parts of the body like, lets say, breast cancer. It doesn't typically attack the lymphatic system, doesn't go into your bones, it doesn't do any of that. Typically. I do say typically because there is always that 1% to 5% chance that it does, in fact, turn into something more. But, typically, it doesn't.

But what it does do, like cancer, is grow. It grows slowly, or at times, can grow at a quicker rate than normal. It fills the spaces from where it is growing and then starts pushing on things that it shouldn't be pushing on, and causing a whole whirl of damage if not treated not to mention could also be fatal.

Being a tumor that grows, but doesn't spread and also super resistant to radiation treatment, I think the medical world has a hard time truly classifying this type of tumor with any one name. I feel like this is why when you research chordorma you'll see websites classify it as cancer while others call it a disease. Which, I think, can be super scary and off-putting. .. Not saying this isn't scary and off-putting already, but.. there ya go.

I wanted to explain this, as this is what the Doctors told me, Larry. Because when people are researching on chordorma, there is a LOT of scary information out there. Tons. Big scary words like cancer, disease, life expectancy, surgery, reoccurring, so on. I think it is nice when you can just sit and be able to at least rationalize what is going on by telling yourself what you have.

It is also good to note that it only grows in three areas:
1.) The Clivus, which is a bone in your head near the brainstem.
2.) The tail bone ( a literal pain in the ass)
3.) The spine

Chordorma, as far as I've read and have been told, is cells left over from when the spine forms in a mothers womb. So, I've literally have had you, Larry, my entire life.

It is also good to note that this isn't something that has been passed down from family member to family member, skipping generations, or runs in the gene pool. This is just something that happens. It sucks, but.. there it is. At least now we have the medical professionals, some that only specialize in chordormas to lead those suffering with Larry's in the right direction.

But, there is another thing that I really don't like about you, Larry. You can grow back. I think that is the possibly the scariest thing. If you are, indeed, a chordorma, which I feel in my heart of hearts are, then you can grow back. I might have to deal with you for the rest of my life. Though I know it could be worse, I could have an aggressive type of cancer and be dead in two weeks, it is just a hard pill to swallow that this will be my struggle for the rest of my life.

But, that's only if I look at it that way. Honestly, I look at it this way:

To those who read my blog,
Thank you for reading it. Thank you for educating yourself through my babbles and rambles, and jokes.  Remember that no ache and pain is small enough to ignore. If it keeps happening, if the pain gets worse, or you don't feel right, please get checked out.

To those who read my blog and have a Chordorma, or know someone who does:
Please be positive. You have an entire group of people in this world who are going through the same thing you are, some may have it worse some may have it better, but the fear is still there. Please make sure you are educating yourself with the right information, and don't look at things that will dampen your spirits. You are strong, it is your body, and you have a say in the treatment you receive. NEVER be scared to ask for a second opinion. This is your body, damnit.

To everyone,
Please take care of yourself. "Skinny" doesn't mean "Healthy", that is not what I'm talking about. I mean take care of yourself. Go to the doctor, get yourself checked, check yourself, and if something doesn't feel right, get it checked.

Side note, I am not a medical professional. All this is what I have come across and the research I've done, so I may not be 100% correct. Always consult your doctor about everything. :)

And that's it!

Sincerely,
-Tara

P.S
You stink, Larry

P.S.S
No one likes you, Larry

Radiologist Oncology Consultation Day

Dear Larry,

It is Day 7, and we had a big day today. Today was meet with the Radiologist Oncologist day! I was scared for most of the day. Fretting over nothing and over-preparing, which I knew I was doing but I couldn't stop myself. A had a few moments of laughter and smiles before I got to work, as when I walked into work there was a vase full of beautiful flowers and a bag from a comic book store sitting on my desk. One of my Co-Workers, Eugene, bought me flowers and Andy bought me a new mug (lemon grenade from Portal!) and an Alien figure ( Xenomorph kind, not the little green men). Eugune caught me before I went looking for him, by sneaking up behing me and scaring the crap outta me. But it was followed by the biggest hug. Couldn't even be mad at him. I went looking for Andy after, to thank him and  give him a hug, which I did. I chatted with him a bit, his and his wife just had the prettist baby girl. I was chomping at the bits to see more baby pictures, which he was more than willing to share. I have to say, he and his wife made a pretty little girl.


When I got back to my desk, I printed out a bunch of questions from the support group I'm involved with, filled out all the paperwork that was e-mailed to me... twice. I got a folder and put all the paperwork in the folder. Made sure I had a good pen to write with, and I even downloaded a voice recorder to tape everything the doctor was going to say. Then I just sat and stressed, trying to work.

My appointment was at 1:30. and around 11:45 I was really starting to freak out on the inside.Just on the inside, however! My mom called me around this time and informed me my kid was sick, so she wouldn't be able to go to with me, because she had to tend to the baby. This caused me to freak out a little bit more. I didn't blame my mom or anything, it was just the fact that she wasn't going to be there. I'm a mama's girl, always have been always will be. But, this was something that couldn't be avoided. I mean, you really can't tell a 5 year old to get over it and get better! That's not how it works.

I put on my big girl pants on, told my mom it was alright and that I love her, and moved on. At the very least I knew Jo-- my girlfriend-- was going to be there. Jo has been there throughout all of this, always holding my hand and keeping me level headed. So I was thankful that this appointment landed after the time she got off school. I don't know what I would of done if I have to do this by myself. Before I left work I stopped by the desk of one of my BFF's, Kate. We talked a moment, well.. most I said I was scared and freaked out a little bit. She gave me a hug and told me I'd be alright. She also crocheted me the coolest little multi-colored pumpkin hat and purple arm tubes. I promptly put the hat on my head and forced myself to get going. It was already 12:00, and if i didn't leave now, I'd be late.

Rocking the pumpkin hat and what I call my 'hug shirt' from Jim. :) 

I turned on some music, well, I had one song on repeat on the way to go get Jo. Cher, you haven't seen the last of me. It has sort of become a theme song. I sang at the top of my lungs driving down the highway. Once I picked up Jo, it was time to get serious again. We held hands the whole way to the Hospital, which was about a 15 to 20 min drive from her college. We talked about everything from food, to her school, to the appointment we were going to.

Before I knew it, we were there. We valeted the car and rushed inside, it was 1:20 and I didn't want to be late. I got my arm band, then started the trek down to the other end of the Hospital as Jo went and got us a subway sandwich to split.. our first real meal of the day. The walk to the back of the hospital seemed to never end. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest from nerves alone. I don't know what I was expecting, letting my nerves get like that. 

Down to the lower level and there I was. Standing in front of this large desk in the back center of the room. Two men sitting behind the desk, talking to a woman. I interrupted, politely of course, and the other gentleman pointed me to the other. I signed in, got more papers to fill out and a picture taken. The guy asked how I was, I said " scared". He smiled and said " You'll be fine, there are some fantastic doctors back there" nodding to the door. I smiled and went and sat down, and around this time Jo caught up with me with the food. 

We sat at a table and inhaled our halves of the sandwich, as we weren't sure how much time we would have before we were called back, Once we ate, we seats to something more comfortable than the hard seats we had been sitting on while we ate. I leaned against her, and she held me a moment, and kissed my forehead. 

The Nurse finally came and got us. 

Nurse Nicole sat us in a consultation room and asked a few questions about my symptoms. She took some vitals, laughed and joked with us as we nervously joked around. Finally, she left to go get one of the medical residents, who's full name slips my mind. I know it was Dr. Jason something. So, I'll just keep calling him Dr. Jason. 

Dr Jason looked like Chris Pratt almost, was super friendly and willing to listen to my terrible jokes and answer all my nervous questions. He asked me about what lead to this point, and what I thought was going on. I told him that we weren't 100 percent sure what the tumor was, but we were pretty sure it was a Chordoma. I told him everything I knew about Chordomas, ever little detail i could remember. Good and Bad. I think he was almost surprised I knew so much, as he just sat in his seat a moment, nodding. He then sighed and told me that, for the most part, I was correct. 

  I told him I had a whole checklist of questions I wanted to ask. He was very pleasant and told me to 'go for it'. I asked a couple, but soon realized that most of the questions I had were for the nuneurosurgeon. But, I got a couple of good questions in, like "what happens if we tried different treatment methods, or just didn't do anything". He looked at me, shook his head and said " that isn't an option". After all my questions, he made me due some basic movement tests. 

After those were done, he said he was going to go get Dr. Mehta. 

Dr. Mehta walked in, and I was surprised I wasn't looking at a 60 year old man. He was middle aged ( if that) and had a kind face. He shook both our hands and then sat down in front of me. He introduced himself and asked what I thought I had. I told him and he nodded. He tested my eyes again, and I think was a little surprised how doubled my vision was. 

He then said that he though surgery was going to be the best thing first. That he would like to being my case to the big meeting Radiologist and Surgeons have every Wednesday. He said the if it is a Chordoma, which he felt like it was, it was very resistant to radiation treatment. That he would be more comfortable with a biopsy and removal of the tumor and then to use radiation to treat the site where the tumor was. 

Jo asked him " What if the neurosurgeon decides it is too risky to try and remove the tumor, what happens? " he then looked us dead in the eye and said " Then we find someone who will do it. There are people that treating and operating on this type of tumor. This is all they do. " This put my mind to ease. I told him I was scared, and he told me that it was a natural feeling. But this tumor took a life time to grow and nothing was going to happen overnight.

I told him I was worried about the surgery.  He then took up all of the sudden and said  " i want to show you something. I'll be right back. " He came back in with a laptop and pulled up a picture of a Chordoma Tumor 6 times bigger than mine. He said this was a Chordorma that he just finished treating. He then pointed out a small corner and said " This is about the size of your tumor". He smiled and went on " This is the 1st surgery" moving to the second picture  "This is after the second," he then pointed to the last 2 " This is after the 3rd and 4th surgery. It's nearly gone." This just comforted me beyond words. He said " This tumor does have a chance of coming back, but the smaller they are.. the better." 

 He said that he would be putting my name on the list to be discussed on Wednesday, and that he felt surgery was going to be the best bet to start. He shook out hands again and excused himself. Dr. Jason saw us out, but not before showing me my scan and my tumor to compare the size of the one they had just showed me. Jo and I then left. 

So, here I am again. Just waiting. I don't know why I thought radiation might of been an option to kill this thing. But, i feel comfortable in knowing that I have the best Radiologit oncologist for the job. 

Oh well, Larry. Everything happens for a reason. And right now, I'm ready to fall asleep, as it is so late. So, i will talk to you tomorrow more. 

Sincerly, 

Tara

P.S.

You stink

P.S.S

No one likes you

Babbling.

Dear Larry,

Boy, lemme tell you, I'm running late with writing to you tonight. Its only because I was having such a fantastic day today. You only crossed my mind a couple times! Well.. and every time I looked to the left.. Stupid Larry, pushing on the 6th nerve of my eye.. making everything doubled and weird. Ah well. Today was still a good day.

I woke up today in better spirits. You see, Larry, last night I found a Facebook group dedicated to survivors and fighters of Chordoma. It is a private group, so only members are allowed to post and see posts. I thought to myself " What the hell, I'm going to see if I can join". I read in that Ed Lowe book that having a support group was super important.

He was so right.

Both of the admins messaged me and asked why I wanted to  get into the group. I told them about you, Larry. They let me right in. I made a post and introduced us, I told them all about you and I. What happened next I can only explain as amazing. People I've never met before, or even heard of, started to comment back and give me such a wealth of information it was almost overwhelming. Also with that information came this different type of support; Not one of them felt sorry for me or this situation you've put me in, Larry. They gave me hope by offering me information and the comfort of 'been there done that', because most of them have already overcome this.

Ed Lowe also said in his book that you come across people, who to everyone else, are just normal people.. But to you, become a source of inspiration. They become your heros. Right now, every single person in that group who has, is or knows someone fighting Chordoma is my hero. They have given me so much information and pointed me into so many good directions, its the only way I can describe them right now.

So, if anyone from the group is reading this, thank you so much for all the information and for giving everyone with Chordoma ( or who knows someone with it) a safe place to connect with others.

But, Larry, that's not the only reason today was amazing.

Today my girlfriend Jo and I ran off together on a thrift store day. We scored some TV trays, a computer chair and two new arm chairs for less than 30 bucks, I'm writing this blog in my new arm chair recliner! It is so stupid comfortable.

Man, I love  Jo's and my little adventures together, as we have loads of fun just by being ourselves. She can always make me laugh and makes me feel so loved. Today was no different. She had the idea of going off the beaten path and cutting through Loche Raven Reservoir. It is such a pretty drive up through there, though most of the main road was closed. Maybe due to the ice.. or a weekend thing. Not sure.

Anyway. we ended up parking the car and walking a little ways down to the water. She had to help me down a small incline because my left eye was making me feel uneasy. But, we made it down the water and took tons of pictures. Mostly being silly.Which is the way we like it. I know that this time is super difficult for her, but she never shows it. She's one of the strongest people I've ever met in my entire life. I'm so lucky to have her in my life, and even luckier to call her mine. She is just a constant source of inspiration and love. Another one of those heros, but this one I get to kiss and spend the rest of my life with. :D

When we got home, we cleaned house and got ready for our neighbors kids to come over for a while. My mom was up and about, tinkering with random things. She's been so super strong through this whole thing as well. Today she was having a bit of a downer day, which we are all allowed to have. She's my mom, ya know? She wishes she could do something about you, Larry. I know it breaks her heart that there is nothing she can do. I try to tell her that her love and support is enough.. But, again, everyone can have a downer day. I'm thankful she's just here to be with me. I love her so much and am just so thankful for her. I just wish she wouldn't kick herself in the ass for things she has no control over.

Oh well..

Anyway, the kids came over and all played with our little girl. They seemed to have tons of fun, which is what we aim for. But it was late-ish by the time they went home. Not that we minded, they are pretty good kids and they all have fun together.

 Anyway, I've just blabbered on tonight. I did have such a fantastic day. Tomorrow is Radiologist Oncologist appointment. I can honestly say that I'm only a little scared. I've done my research ( without getting too far into it) and I have a pretty good idea of what to expect. Plus I have my Girlfriend and Mom going with me. Plenty of people to hold my hand! I have to just keep reminding myself that tomorrow I'm just chatting with the doctor.

Which reminds me.. I have to print out the checklist the support group told me about. ... Hm.

Well, I do think it is time for bed. I promise I'll write something a little more.. well, more tomorrow, Larry. I also have to research more doctors and a new diet plan for myself. I'm going to be getting into health to more easily treat and get rid of you.

But! Tomorrow is a new day.

Sincerely,
Tara

P.S
You stink, Larry

P.S.S
No one likes you, Larry.

P.S.S.S
Jo redid the drawing of you that I did, that shows your demise via arrow in the head and lightening that represents proton radiation treatment.

Booyah. 

The Wheels Keep Turning

Dear Larry,

Well, here we are. It's day 5. You've known me my whole life and I've known about you for 5 days. It is so surreal. That's what I keep telling people, it is just so surreal. This is something you'd expect to hear from your friends, who's friends uncle's mother's sister's best friend from high school's mom's mom has. But then you blink and It's me. ... Me. .. Jesus, it's me.

I have a tumor in my head... this is happening. This is actually happening.

Sometimes I take a step back and I just watch the people around me. The older women talking smack about a friend they all have, the older guys talking about the other women who are talking smack about a friend they all have. Kids wondering around with their parents yelling at them to get back. I have a thought that crosses my mind ".. I wonder if I'm going to be given the chance to do that. " Not talk about any of my friends behind their backs or chase after my kid, but to grow older. I have these moments in the day where I have a split second of fear of my own mortality. Of you, Larry, getting larger. Of not making it. And this:

I quickly shake it off and move on, because I'm not going to allow those thoughts keep me down. Not for another second. "I'm lucky" I tell myself. Because, honestly I am. Larry, you're roughly the size of an olive. I have a chance to beat you, I know this because I will go to the ends of the earth making sure you do not win. I refuse to let something so small beat me. But then... I have another thought as I look at the people around me,

"What if..?"

 What if they have one of you, Larry? What if they have a Larry of their very own? The people I see in passing, the kids I see running around, the old hags talking about one other behind one another's backs, or the guys watching them do it.. What if they have one? I was born with you, what if they were too? I think that scares me more than anything. THAT is what keeps me up at night.

If I hadn't had issues with my eye, if I hadn't been seeing double, you would of just kept growing. ... There are people out there in the world with their Larry, and it's just growing inside of their head, and they have no fucking idea. That is what nightmares are made of. You are so rare, Larry.  Literally 1 out of of a Million. 300 people out of MILLIONS a year.

299 people out there in 2015 may be going through what I am going through right now or may not even know it. It sends shivers down my spine just thinking about it.

That's why I've been leaning on my friends, family and coworkers heavily to spread the word about Chordoma. I can't sit still between doctor visits knowing other people out there are having headaches, or eye issues and doing NOTHING. Or not following up and being stubborn. Being stubborn has given me a chance to save my life, and to end yours, Larry.

People need to be more stubborn and serious about medical issues they are having. That's the bottom line. No one deserves to have a Larry, Larry. No one. Nothing is too small to get checked out.  

It also makes it hard, as I've been looking around on the Internet and on Kindle for any books I can find regarding Chordoma, I've only stumbled on one book that isn't a jargon filled medical book for 200 dollars. One book about a man, Edward Lowe, who had a grapefruit sized Chordoma in his head. It has given me some comfort to know that this man went through this thing in the 1990's. He won, he beat his Larry. Granted it took 4 surgeries and 40+ treatments of Proton and Photon radiation, but by God, he beat the damn thing.

I wish I could hug him and tell him how much reading his book as helped. Granted, I am not 100 percent done with it, but I'm not sure I want to finish it! It's given me such hope against you, Larry. That a man in the 90's kicked his Chordoma in the ass, and his was triple the size of you.. Not just him, though. His cousin as well! TWO people in the same family..  

He's a survivor. I'm going to be a survivor, and I'm going to help as many people as I can through awareness and writing that I can to be survivors... or at the very least educated everyone I can on the subject.

This is my purpose.

There isn't tons of information about Chordoma that isn't terrifying. There are websites that call Chordoma Cancer, others that call it a Disease and never mention Cancer. Is it the same thing?!

I don't know!

 There are statements saying after people are diagnosed, they have 5 to 10 years, at most, of life left in them. That they are basically waiting for their slow growing Larry's to get bigger and take them down. But that isn't always the case. Because Ed survived ( I know because I skipped to the last few pages of the book while writing this, and don't you dare judge me) and I'm going to survive. And that is why I'm writing. That's the reason for this blog and for all the posts on Facebook. There isn't a lot of information, and I'm scared to look further into the information that is out in the universe. So, I'll write my experiences, my hopes, my troubles and triumphs.

I'm not kidding myself here, nor to you Larry, nor anyone reading this. This isn't fun. This is absolute hell. There is something in my body that I have no control over. Absolutely no control over. I know that I also have a very long road ahead of me. But it is a matter of accepting it, swallowing that extremely hard pill, looking at yourself in the mirror-- dead in the eye-- and say " Alright, here we go" and just doing it. I know as this blog goes on I'm going to have more to say about possible surgeries and radiation treatment, maybe even consoling and everything that goes with that. Changing my lifestyle and diet. The fear and moments of weakness that I am bound to have. But, I will also have more to say about the successes.

Every small Success.

Like just waking up, getting dresses, going to work, every moment that I don't allow those dark emotions to linger longer than just a fleeting moment. The laughs and smiles I have share with the people I love most and the people I don't even know. Those are small steps in the right direction. As time goes on, I look forward to the day where I can write a final blog. In that blog I will be able to end it saying two words:

I won.

Until then, I will keep ranting at you, Larry. I will keep spreading the word. I will keep nagging my friends and family and coworkers.. and most of all, I will keep living.

Sincerely,
Tara

P.S
You suck, Larry.

P.S.S
No one likes you, Larry.

Side Note:

I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for reading, sharing and keeping up with this blog. Also, thank you for your love and support! Sorry if this post seemed to skip some. Just so much to say!

Coming to Terms

Dear Larry,

It has been a difficult couple days for me, finding out you're in my head... well, it's been a hard pill to swallow. It's only been four days, but it seems like a life time since the doctor called me and told me. Those words will live with me forever.

"Tara, there is no good way to say this, I have some bad news for you, you have a Tumor"

He said it on one breath. That's all it took, was one good lung full of air.. It took mine away. It was like he used my own breath to tell me.  It was like being punched in the gut, and for a moment I thought I'd black out. I could hear myself sob out " What!?" before he continued to tell me that he wanted me to come see him ASAP and to bring the disks from the MRI. That was Tuesday, the 27th. I called my girlfriend and told her, and we spent a few moments crying on the phone, she was just in as much shock as I was, and I hated that I was so far from her when I told her. I left work, after three beautiful coworkers of mine spent a couple of minutes calming me down, telling me its going to be okay. Thank you Philly, Lisa and Mel. From the bottom of my heart.

I saw my boss on the way out to the parking lot, and told him. He hugged me, told me a story about his wife going through something similar and told me to take as much time as I needed. After I got in my car, I sat there a moment. Stunned. I called my girlfriend again and we chatted for a moment. I can't tell you guys how much I love this woman. She's my rock and the one I lean on when I just can't stand upright, figuratively and literally (sorry about those sloppy drunk nights in the past, babe!).

I then called my mom, heart in my freaking throat, scared she was going to react in the worst way possible -- like the way I reacted. She picked up, I told her.. and to my surprise, she took it so well that I thought she didn't hear me. " Location, depth and size", she said "Get those for me". She told me she loved me, to stay strong, and that was it. And that's all that I needed. I can't thank her enough for being so strong. My mom is seriously my hero.

After that, the doctor. He pulled me into the office as soon as I walked into the lobby and once we were back there, he gave me the biggest hug and I cried on his shoulder for a moment. He told me it was okay to be scared, and that he would show me where it was and everything he could about it. Which he did. He told me that the person looking over the film from the MRI was his friend, and when he found the tumor, he called the Doctor at home. That's why I was there so quickly. He loaded the film and we looked through hundreds of pictures of my brain, skull, and everything else hanging out between my ears. Finally, he found it. In one of the pictures out of the hundreds we looked through. It was almost anticlimactic. It was just like an olive in front of my brainstem, and you couldn't really make it out without him pointing it out. But, there it was.

 I am grateful to have this wonderful doctor that cared. He told me I was going to get depressed, and that was okay. That it was to be expected. He told me don't be ashamed to see someone, so you can talk to them, or be scared to get on antidepressants. I asked him " Doc.. how scared should I be?" .. He paused a moment. Smiled and said " Moderately." He told me that there was a lot that was going to be happening, but I was in the best care in the world, that where he was sending me had one of the best teams in the US and I'd be in good hands, and he would be following me every step of the way.

The doctor's words rang in my head, and the rest of the day was sort of a blur. I remember sitting on the couch and just.. existing. With all this news and information in my head. I'd have moments of crying and self loathing. My girlfriend went to the store and surprised me with these beautiful flowers with my favorite color and she cooked me my favorite dinner ( Chicken Katsu, Mac Salad and Rice). We made the best of that day, and held one another in silence at times. We also made fun of you, Larry. But, you probably heard. Loser.

I made the announcement about you, Larry, on my Facebook. And the out-pour of support and love was overwhelming. I cannot tell you guys how amazing you all are, and how much you've all helped me come to terms with this.

On the 28th, I saw the Neurosurgeon, and older gentleman who saw me between two brain aneurysm surgeries, which made me feel lucky that he made time for me. What he said to me was scary, because he didn't say much. The jist of it was he needed more information. He needed to know what the bone the tumor was growing on was doing. If it was there, thicker, thin or what. He said that the tumor was in a really hard place to get to, so he needed all the information he could. What I hear? The tumor was tough, and it may be impossible to get to. Was that what he really said? No. But, that's what I heard. I cried more. And spent the rest of the day feeling pretty shitty.

The Neurosurgeon referred me to the Radiologist Oncologist for a very scifi type of treatment option, called Proton Radiation Therapy. It sounds like this:

But really, it is something like this: 

I have an appointment Monday, February 2nd at 1:30  for a consultation, at the University of Maryland. So, we will see what happens. 

Yesterday I received a package from an old coworker of mine who now works in NYC. He got me my current job, which I love. I have nothing but respect for him and look up to him professionally, and also consider him a very good friend. He sent me a package with hats, a shirt and a beautiful letter that made my day. It was just unbelievably sweet, and brought me to tears. Myself and two other of my coworkers wore the hats around all day, giggling at one another. It turned a very shitty day into a very good day at the end ( plus a couple drinks at lunch sort of helped out, as well). 

So, here we are Larry. It is now the 30th, and everything has sort of slowed down. Everything moved so quickly at first, doctor, doctor, cat scan, new doctor appointment, and now we wait. Where we go from here, I don't know. But, on the bright side, I drew a picture of you: 

See how dumb you look? ... Because you are. Super dumb. 

Just saying. 

Anyway, thank you all for being there for me. For checking on me, and for reading through this blog of mine. I'm going to try and write in it nearly every day of my thoughts and feelings, and just generally hating on Larry. A special thank you to my Mom, My Girlfriend Jolynn, my daughter for being such a good girl, Kate, Jonathan and all my friends, my family, and all my coworkers. I cannot express how each and every one of  you have helped me come to terms with this. 

So thank you, thank you, thank you. 

Larry. Screw you.  Or as Christie ( my sloth buddy and coworker) put it #fucklarry.

Sincerely, 

Tara

P.S. 

You suck, Larry

P.S.S

No on likes you, Larry.