It has been a difficult couple days for me, finding out you're in my head... well, it's been a hard pill to swallow. It's only been four days, but it seems like a life time since the doctor called me and told me. Those words will live with me forever.
"Tara, there is no good way to say this, I have some bad news for you, you have a Tumor"
He said it on one breath. That's all it took, was one good lung full of air.. It took mine away. It was like he used my own breath to tell me. It was like being punched in the gut, and for a moment I thought I'd black out. I could hear myself sob out " What!?" before he continued to tell me that he wanted me to come see him ASAP and to bring the disks from the MRI. That was Tuesday, the 27th. I called my girlfriend and told her, and we spent a few moments crying on the phone, she was just in as much shock as I was, and I hated that I was so far from her when I told her. I left work, after three beautiful coworkers of mine spent a couple of minutes calming me down, telling me its going to be okay. Thank you Philly, Lisa and Mel. From the bottom of my heart.
I saw my boss on the way out to the parking lot, and told him. He hugged me, told me a story about his wife going through something similar and told me to take as much time as I needed. After I got in my car, I sat there a moment. Stunned. I called my girlfriend again and we chatted for a moment. I can't tell you guys how much I love this woman. She's my rock and the one I lean on when I just can't stand upright, figuratively and literally (sorry about those sloppy drunk nights in the past, babe!).
I then called my mom, heart in my freaking throat, scared she was going to react in the worst way possible -- like the way I reacted. She picked up, I told her.. and to my surprise, she took it so well that I thought she didn't hear me. " Location, depth and size", she said "Get those for me". She told me she loved me, to stay strong, and that was it. And that's all that I needed. I can't thank her enough for being so strong. My mom is seriously my hero.
After that, the doctor. He pulled me into the office as soon as I walked into the lobby and once we were back there, he gave me the biggest hug and I cried on his shoulder for a moment. He told me it was okay to be scared, and that he would show me where it was and everything he could about it. Which he did. He told me that the person looking over the film from the MRI was his friend, and when he found the tumor, he called the Doctor at home. That's why I was there so quickly. He loaded the film and we looked through hundreds of pictures of my brain, skull, and everything else hanging out between my ears. Finally, he found it. In one of the pictures out of the hundreds we looked through. It was almost anticlimactic. It was just like an olive in front of my brainstem, and you couldn't really make it out without him pointing it out. But, there it was.
I am grateful to have this wonderful doctor that cared. He told me I was going to get depressed, and that was okay. That it was to be expected. He told me don't be ashamed to see someone, so you can talk to them, or be scared to get on antidepressants. I asked him " Doc.. how scared should I be?" .. He paused a moment. Smiled and said " Moderately." He told me that there was a lot that was going to be happening, but I was in the best care in the world, that where he was sending me had one of the best teams in the US and I'd be in good hands, and he would be following me every step of the way.
The doctor's words rang in my head, and the rest of the day was sort of a blur. I remember sitting on the couch and just.. existing. With all this news and information in my head. I'd have moments of crying and self loathing. My girlfriend went to the store and surprised me with these beautiful flowers with my favorite color and she cooked me my favorite dinner ( Chicken Katsu, Mac Salad and Rice). We made the best of that day, and held one another in silence at times. We also made fun of you, Larry. But, you probably heard. Loser.
I made the announcement about you, Larry, on my Facebook. And the out-pour of support and love was overwhelming. I cannot tell you guys how amazing you all are, and how much you've all helped me come to terms with this.
On the 28th, I saw the Neurosurgeon, and older gentleman who saw me between two brain aneurysm surgeries, which made me feel lucky that he made time for me. What he said to me was scary, because he didn't say much. The jist of it was he needed more information. He needed to know what the bone the tumor was growing on was doing. If it was there, thicker, thin or what. He said that the tumor was in a really hard place to get to, so he needed all the information he could. What I hear? The tumor was tough, and it may be impossible to get to. Was that what he really said? No. But, that's what I heard. I cried more. And spent the rest of the day feeling pretty shitty.
The Neurosurgeon referred me to the Radiologist Oncologist for a very scifi type of treatment option, called Proton Radiation Therapy. It sounds like this:
But really, it is something like this:
I have an appointment Monday, February 2nd at 1:30 for a consultation, at the University of Maryland. So, we will see what happens.
Yesterday I received a package from an old coworker of mine who now works in NYC. He got me my current job, which I love. I have nothing but respect for him and look up to him professionally, and also consider him a very good friend. He sent me a package with hats, a shirt and a beautiful letter that made my day. It was just unbelievably sweet, and brought me to tears. Myself and two other of my coworkers wore the hats around all day, giggling at one another. It turned a very shitty day into a very good day at the end ( plus a couple drinks at lunch sort of helped out, as well).
So, here we are Larry. It is now the 30th, and everything has sort of slowed down. Everything moved so quickly at first, doctor, doctor, cat scan, new doctor appointment, and now we wait. Where we go from here, I don't know. But, on the bright side, I drew a picture of you:
See how dumb you look? ... Because you are. Super dumb.
Just saying.
Anyway, thank you all for being there for me. For checking on me, and for reading through this blog of mine. I'm going to try and write in it nearly every day of my thoughts and feelings, and just generally hating on Larry. A special thank you to my Mom, My Girlfriend Jolynn, my daughter for being such a good girl, Kate, Jonathan and all my friends, my family, and all my coworkers. I cannot express how each and every one of you have helped me come to terms with this.
So thank you, thank you, thank you.
Larry. Screw you. Or as Christie ( my sloth buddy and coworker) put it #fucklarry.
Sincerely,
Tara
P.S.
You suck, Larry
P.S.S
No on likes you, Larry.
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