Checked out.

Dear Larry,

I had checked out the past couple of days. I was feeling pretty shitty and totally stressed about the idea of surgery. I had spoken with the Neurosurgeon's office again, and made an appoint for Monday at 1:00 to have a consultation about the surgery, and for some reason that was just too real for me.

Everyone keeps saying "Oh, you're so strong" and " You're taking this so well",  but these past few days I've felt weak and helpless. For a moment there, I thought I was letting everyone down, being weak. I was also feeling really super sorry for myself but at the same time, hating myself for feeling sorry for myself because there were people out there with tumors much larger than mine. Also, there were people out there with cancer that takes lives quickly. .. I was just having all the feels. Or, it can be summed up by this picture:

My mom talked to me, hugged me, told me it would be okay, but told me it was okay to feel what I felt..to be depressed and go upstairs to my room and feel those feels, and that was comforting. Jo held me for a while and just let me cry, talked to me, told me it would be okay, kissed me and loved me. The feeling of her arms around me was enough to comfort me.  I appreciated them both so much. But, I just felt so bad. Felt bad about the surgery, felt bad I wasn't being strong, felt bad I wasn't handling this better, felt bad about you, Larry. About you just being there. I just felt so freaking bad! UGH!

I allowed myself to have those couple days of just.. being. I didn't blog because I didn't have the energy and I didn't want to cry again. So, I just was. Just going about my day. And today, I feel much better. Jo and my mom have been nothing but supportive, and all my friends and coworkers have been amazing. Dina, a good friend and coworker, even took me out all day today and it was so nice to just not have to worry about a thing.

I'm not sure who said this to me, and I wish it did, because it made me feel a tons better too ( I think it was Erica) : bravery isn't having any fear, it's being scared and doing it anyway.

And I am going to do it. I'm going to work through this. I will have the surgery and I will get past this.

This whole thing is an emotional roller coaster. And I'm learning that it is okay for me to feel like absolute crap, its okay to be really depressed, and it is okay to feel like nothing is wrong and ignore it for a while. As long as it don't stay that way, it is okay.

However, I've never been one to stay down for long. I'm trying to turn around this whole ordeal. I've started a gofundme.com page (http://www.gofundme.com/chordomawarrior )  to raise money to buy bracelets so I can sell those to raise money for the Chordoma Foundation. I know they already have bracelets, but  I wanted to make these more personal. All the money will go to the foundation and some people get some really kick ass bracelets!

I've been working on eating better, Kate has been super supportive along with Jo and Mom. Been drinking so much more water, and some girls at work ( Elise, Mel, Lisa and Myself) are having a competition to see who can drink the most water per day. That has actually helped a lot in the water intake.

Honestly, without these people in my life, I don't know how I'd be handling this. I cannot stress this enough to anyone going through this or something similar to get your friends and family involved. Don't keep things like this secret. They will help so, so, so much. Believe me.

Having people there is amazing. And I thank all those in my life again, from the bottom of my heart, for everything that everyone does for me and my family.

So, I will get through this and I have an army of people to help me. But, it is also okay for me to feel super sad and helpless. But, I will not let those moments stick around for long.

This too shall pass.

That's it.

Sincerely,
Tara

P.S
No one likes you, Larry

P.S.S
You stink, Larry